Server computer

水曜日, 8月 9, 2017 - 20:52

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Could you correct it so that it's more simple and colloquially natural? I want to tell this story to my friends and make her laugh.

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Yesterday, our main computer, which is always turned on, suddenly turned off and wouldn't turn back on.

There is an important system in it that makes ID Cards, so obviously, we all freaked out.

Then Julie told Hiroshi about it, so he asked me to create a template for temporary ID cards.

Hiroshi seemed frustrated, but I didn’t want to waste time, so I tried to fix the computer.

While I was fiddling with it, I happened to find a button and pushed it. Suddenly the computer was working again, so I realized that the switch we'd been using to turn it on was the wrong switch.

You should've been there! We couldn't stop laughing afterwards.

水, 2017/08/09 - 20:52 - mizbass70	木, 2017/08/10 - 05:44 - Yumi
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Hi,

Yumi

木曜日, 8月 10, 2017 - 05:53

Hi,

I liked the use of phrases like "freak out" and "happen to". Good stuff!

Here are my notes:

The line "Then Julie told Hiroshi about it, so he asked me to create a template for temporary ID cards" did not seem very relevant to the story (although grammatically correct), so I think you can actually leave it out. Maybe say something like... "Julie was asking Hiroshi about it... Hiroshi was getting frustrated... and me? I didn't want to waste time, so I...";
"You should've been there!" is a phrase that means "you missed out on something so fun/funny! I wish you had been there to see it actually happen";
Jokes are all about delivery, so I would practice your timing and delivery (tone, facial expressions, etc) for this.

Great job, and good luck!

Yumi

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